This is a pretty accurate portrayal of my feelings...
The next 17 days are going to be very hard. Every time I think of going back to work and missing out on time with this perfect little lump of love I get emotional.
However, I do have a thankful heart that I have been able to be at home with my baby for 12 weeks. There are so many mommies out there who simply cannot take more than the mandatory 6 weeks. I could not imagine having to leave sugar when he was only 6 weeks old. To those moms who have to go back to work that soon, you are a rock star.
Being a working mom was something that I never thought I would do. I always pictured myself as a stay at home mom. I always thought I would be at home making lunches, washing clothes, playing, and waiting on daddy to come home from work. It has been my dream.
God had different plans.
He called me to teach and apparently still has something in store for me there. He has not opened doors for me to be at home but has made me feel so appreciated and missed at my school. He must want my heart to stay there. My work must not be done. I am going to trust him in that.
I do love my job. I love being a teacher. I love changing little lives. The problem is that now I have a little life that I love more than my own. I want to see HIM as he changes. I am sad that I am going to miss out on some of those things because I am at school witnessing someone else's little love change. Its selfish. I know. I said in the beginning of this blog, I'm not perfect.
I am going to choose to be thankful for the gift that has been my maternity leave and the 17 days I have left. I am going to choose to be gracious for what I have been given. I am going to choose to be thankful that my sweet sugar will be spending his days with my family. I am going to choose to be VERY thankful for them. I am going to choose to be excited that he will spend everyday with his grandparents, aunt, and cousins and will know them very well. I am going to choose to be excited to see my coworkers whom I miss very much. I am going to choose to be thankful for coworkers that I love working with. I am going to choose to be thankful that I have a job to help with providing for my family.
Again, I'm not perfect. Therefore, I am okay with saying that at the end of my gift of 17 days, I am going to be sad. I will probably spend my whole first day back at work in tears. Note to self: no mascara that day.
It will be hard. Very, very hard.
I'm not sure how I will go about juggling being a mommy (which I have found to be a FULL TIME flippin' JOB all by its self), a wife, and a teacher. I know people do it. But, as my daddy would say, "I don't care about everybody else, I care about you", I feel like I am climbing up to the high dive and about to jump off only to find the pool is empty and I'm flying head first into concrete. Splat! I might just suck at this. I was good at the wife and teacher gig. I have been okay and the wife and mommy thing. All three? I might suck.
The great part is that even if I suck at being a wife, my husband still loves me. If I suck at being a teacher, my students still think I hung the moon. If I suck at being a mom, Sugar wont care because he thinks I rock. :)
The even better part is, God says I can do it. He promised me that he would never give me more than I can handle.
We got this!
You'll find your rhythm, even in just one full week back, I've found it got easier. However, every day is different so some days will be harder than others. I will say my first day back I cried when picking him up, I was so excited and I just hung out with him the whole time before bed! Andrew helped a lot too, so that's made things easier. It will be hard but pray pray pray! And I will, too. I wouldn't say you're being selfish but that's because I feel the same way. Good luck!
ReplyDelete